Genuineness.

• possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; 
• not counterfeit; 
• authentic; 
• real

𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝑭𝒂𝒌𝒆. 𝑺𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒓𝒆. 𝑯𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒕. 

In my life, I have always struggled with genuine and non genuine relationships. Whether that’s with family members, friends, mentors, or significant others.

I never made friends very easily. I started off In elementary school trying to make friends so that I would have someone to play with at recess. I Ended up getting bullied and mentally played with. One day she would be my friend, and the next day she would be mean, calling me names, making fun of my name, ignoring me, telling other girls not to talk to me or hang out with me.. This made me feel super alone and like I was weird, or not good enough, or just simply like an easy target. I never stood up for myself. I didn’t know how. I didn’t have many friends, so I thought it was better to have one on the good days, than not have any at all.

During my childhood, I struggled with actions and the way I feel I was treated by my cousin.  Growing up things would happen or be said and I felt that blame would always be pushed my way.  I felt as though things would be done or said to intentionally hurt my feelings. To me, it seemed as though she would take situations that were innocent for a child to do and make it seem as though I was maliciously doing something .  These situations made me feel even worse about myself. Everything I was feeling from the girl in school was now happening with someone who was my family too. Now, don’t get me wrong, as a child, I was still human as I obviously am today and I’m sure there were times I could be mean or difficult too. But I always felt as if I was the target of the aggression and was always left out of things.  

I was raised up by my parents and my grandparents. I found out at a very young age that my grandfather whom was in my life for everything; he was changing my diapers as a baby, sleepovers, church, every birthday party, doctoring up my “boo-boos”, playing games with me, showing up to every school function, treating me to special vacations, providing me a “papa pillow” whenever I wanted one, and most importantly loving and supporting me the way a grandfather should, was not my ‘biological’ grandfather. But I’ll tell you one thing about this man; he IS my grandfather. Blood doesn’t make you family. Love and respect and care and support, make you family. This man is the only grandfather I have ever known. And he’s the only one I’ll ever have. I couldn’t thank God more for CHOOSING this man to be the one who I got to look up to all throughout my childhood, and who I continue to get to look up to throughout my adulthood. My papa is my papa, and he is my grandfather. Period. That’s a genuine relationship. We choose each other. We love each other unconditionally. So many choices in life that I’ve made, he could’ve turned his back on me. But that’s not what a genuine relationship is about. A genuine relationship is about taking the good with the bad. And standing by each other, every step of the way! It’s real. It’s honest. It’s pure. 

The individual I was told was my biological grandfather; there is no relationship there. There is no connection there. He abandoned his family, my family. He caused hurt. He caused pain. He caused suffering. He lied. If you have a genuine relationship with someone, you don’t intentionally do any of those things. Growing up, my mom and dad tried to involve him in my life. I would hear from him on Christmas and my birthday; by getting a card in the mail with a gift card inside of it. I could tell you what the card said, and what was inside of it before I even opened it. It wasn’t because he cared. It wasn’t because he wanted to celebrate my life, or a family holiday. He wanted to be able to tell people he “contributes”. He never called. He never texted. He barely even made an effort to see us when he would be in town. My mom had to go out of her way to find out where he would be and when, in order to ensure we visited. He would treat my cousins differently than he treated my brother and I. He treated my mom differently than he treated my uncle. This was not a genuine relationship and honestly, it was super uncomfortable. The feelings of something being wrong with me came flooding back to me. “Why did he not like me?” “What did I do to make him so miserable when I’m around?” “What is it about my cousins that I don’t have?” Why was i not good enough. I didn’t understand why this looked so different because I had a great relationship with Papa, and as a child I acted no differently to Jim than I did Papa. I was so confused. I hated being around him or getting the cards in the mail from him. It was just pity. I was feeling the feelings of abandonment. But, I came to realize that It honestly hurt more to have involvement with him 1-2 days year than it did to have nothin to do with him. Because everytime we would be around him, we received different treatment. If we weren’t around him, we weren’t exposed to the unfairness. Eventually, the vacation notifications stopped; the birthday cards stopped; the Christmas cards stopped. And frankly, life is much more peaceful. Now the reality of life is in a genuine place.

If you read my last two blogs, you will know that I struggled with a lack of genuineness from the man I was sexually abused by and my ex husband. Those situations speak for themself on how these were not genuine relationships in my life. But again, i experienced the feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough, and questioning of who I was, and why me.

Here recently, I have come to recognize a lack of genuineness in friendships, and it’s honestly been very painful. After having moved back home and having left the constant life I knew for 7 years, I was feeling so alone. So neglected. So isolated. So afraid. I only had my family. And don’t get me wrong, they’re great. And I would not be where I am today without each one of them individually.. but I needed something more. I needed something from the outside. I needed something that allowed me to experience life. I wanted a community. I wanted friends!! 

So I joined a young adults small group at my church. It was here that I met the people who I would spend the next 8 months to a year with, and I met the man who holds my heart.

These friendships were great. We would have coffee. We would have dinners. Girls nights. I had ladies telling me they loved me and they cared about me. And they welcomed me and wanted me in their life, as much as I wanted them in mine. I started off shy, but eventually opened up very vulnerably to this group of people. They knew the deepest, most intimate parts of who I was and where I had come from. They knew my struggles. My pain. My sufferings. They knew what I longed for in life ; a closer walk with Christ, and friendships that would love you and support you through it all. I mean after all, that is what genuine means, right? REAL. PURE. HONEST. TRUE. NOT FAKE. I was so happy I had finally found a group that accepted me despite my flaws, or my past, or my baggage. I became especially close to 2 girls in this group. 

Sadly, those friendships have too since diminished. Things were not seen eye to eye, and in an attempt to follow biblical commands that when there are challenges between you and your brother and sisters in Christ, you sit down and have a conversation in love about the challenges. Unfortunately, ever since My boy friend and I have done this, both independent and together, this relationship has never been the same. So currently, I’m living in a hurt heart filled with all of the feelings of my childhood all over again. I can’t help but feel like I should’ve just kept my concerns to myself and carried on like nothing was wrong, I should’ve carried on as if they were participating in actions that were biblical instead of expressing concerns about non biblical routines and actions, I should’ve just carried on as if feelings weren’t hurt, or carried on like no dynamics within the relationship had changed. But that would’ve been living in a lie. And that wouldn’t be biblical either.. Judgement. Judgement has driven a wedge in said friendships too. I made decisions for my life that differed with advice that I was given, and that upset these friends. There is nothing to these close friendships at this point. I have tried to connect again but to no avail and the truth behind why is still a mystery to me. It’s a daily prayer that I pray to receive answers about. But, yet again these situations really hurt. I feel alone. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I’m not good enough, or I’m not worthy enough to maintain their friendships. 

These are examples of what is not a genuine foundation in a relationship. These are examples of what is not unconditional love. This is not fighting for relationships, friendships or holding strong to community. This has made me feel as if I was accepted for a season, or a convenience. Sometimes in life we have to make a decision to walk away and wash our hands of things, when they start to become unhealthy for us personally. But, not until we have done everything we can to right the situation. You can drive yourself crazy trying to understand something, or a situation, that lacks honestly and genuineness.

Why do I have so many examples of non genuine relationships and love in my life?

Just like everything else we experience as children of God, I believe it’s to teach me something. I started off in this season, and past seasons questioning “why?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, “why do non genuine relationships follow me everywhere I turn?”. 

After spending weeks tuning in and reflecting on knowledge, and prayer, and getting lost in my own thoughts, I’ve come to recognize that God is teaching me how It is that I need to love others. How I need to treat others. How I need to not give up on others, ever. How I need to be the person in someone else’s life that they can always depend on. That I need to be the constant supporter in the lives of others. The person that doesn’t walk away, or hang around for a temporary time. God has prepared my heart, and my mind and given me an incomprehensible amount of strength throughout the years, to be okay with this level of commitment to those around me.

It is okay to have a close circle! And if that circle expands, then Praise God. But if not, then I would encourage you to truly tune into the “whys” from the Lord. Ask Him, don’t ask yourself.

He has given me a servants heart. He has given me a heart where the happiness of others is far more important to me, than my self happiness could ever be. Had I not stopped asking the questions that allowed me to wallow in self pity, I would not have heard the voice of the Lord remind me that I’m not here for myself; I’m here to do the works of Him. And that includes relationships with others.

We are called to love like Jesus. And no, none of us will ever master that. But we have to make a conscience effort continually to love like Jesus does. Unconditionally. Daily. To everyone.

Community is such a vital part of everyone’s life. And it’s a really hard season when you had this constant community, then one day you have nothing left. But, it is a beautiful thing to remember that with God, you are never truly alone. He places people in your life for a reason; maybe they are meant to be there for you, or maybe you are meant to be here for them. I would encourage others to try and not become so wrapped up in how others have wrong you, or abandoned you, or how they have hurt you, and allow yourself to wallow in that. Rather, tune into what you can do or what you can be for that person, in order to continually show the love of Christ.

Christ died for us while we were sinners. Without this selfless love of His, we would not have salvation. We would not have freedom. We would not have life. It is not our decision to choose who we love and how we love them. We are called to love others the way Christ loves us!

Christ has a genuine, never altering, never contingent, never failing love for his children. You always have someone in your corner!

Christ is showing me the same lesson today, as he has shown me through my whole past:

I am not alone. 

There is nothing “wrong” with me. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I am a child of God. 

I am blessed. 

I am protected. 

I am called. 

It is not always easy, and yes I have pain from relationships that have hurt me. But at the end of the day, I serve a God who is never failing. All consuming. All powerful. A God who has a plan, and has reasoning behind what we go through. A patient and teaching God. 

This is something I feel like I will always have a sensitive touch to; genuine vs. not genuine relationships. People. Motives. Actions. But I know that, through Christ Alone I will over come anything and live out my calling and purpose according to His will and in his timing! 

“No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me, From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny, No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand, Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.”